Back in Berlin

Three months have passed since I am back in Berlin. Yeah! I had no plans to be back to Europa at all, imagine to Berlin, but just the way life is, full of surprises and coincidences, I find myself back in this city. Back in Berlin.

My story with Berlin is an old and very, very special one. To be precise, it is an eighteen years old story. A story of challenges, learning and transformation. A milestone was set when I first came here and I use to see my life in two different phases: before and after Berlin.

Siegesäule in middle of the Tiergarten. PRIVATE PICTURE.

Everything started with an scholarship from the German-Brazilian government back in 1997. With a certain level of reluctance but pushed by a good friend I decided to apply for it since I fulfilled all the requirements. I was granted it! One and a half month passed between the moment I got to know I was selected and landing in Germany. There was so much to prepare and to do and so little time for it: finish the semester at the university, submit project reports, get a bunch of papers and documents sorted out, see the family, which lived far away, get a passport, do shopping, farewell to friends, etc. Then I departed for a year in Germany. First time abroad. First time flying. First time in Berlin.

Zoologischer Garten, the heart of Berlin. PRIVATE PICTURE..

One specific moment I remember well, later on, as I was changing planes in Lisbon. I finally had time to come to myself after the stress of the last few weeks. As I stepped out of the plane, for one second I felt my legs trembling. It was dark, rainy and cold. +17C "cold." I realized that I was far away, going to a place I couldn't even speak the language and, on the top of it, I was alone. I put both hands on my head like trying not to lose it and thought: "What the hell am I doing here? Of course, I knew what was expecting me in Germany and I even had a detailed plan of it in my luggage but I just couldn't suppress the overwhelming dimension of that moment. Well, happily all that insecurity vanished as suddenly as it appeared, I got back to myself and a couple of hours later I was landing in Berlin. 

Party complex at the Warschauer Straße. #streetart. PICTURE PRIVATE.

Once in Berlin, we, the other Brazilian students taking part in the same program and I, where place in Charlottenburg, in a complex of student dormitories with a lot of green area close by. Charlottenburg is a nice, quiet and pretty central part of the city. At first we engaged intensively in learning the language. It should happen as fast as possible. Besides, there was a lot of traveling, cultural activities, exchange with other international students, getting used to the German way of life and, obviously, a lot of party. Concerning the academic part of the program, what we actually came here for, there were courses at the university to attend, projects to work on and an internship to be done in a German company. It was an intense year with a lot of hard work as one can imagine.

Berlin Hauptbahnhof (Berlin main train station). PRIVATE PICTURE.

We all went trough a lot of changes and learning during that year. I saw a world of possibilities and challenges in front of me. Nothing I had experienced before in life. The systematic of the everyday life in a totally different country, the language, the academic life, the weather, all those different views of the world and life I was confronted with. I used to have a very strong introspection side of my personality what gave me a hard time till I found a way to starting opening myself and being able to interact easier with people.

Berlin worked on me like a transformation machine. I went through an deep and intense process of destruction and reconstruction of who I was, bringing down old walls and setting the foundation for new ones. Many years later it would reach its climax with me resetting my entire life, quitting my job, leaving my friends, change the continent and starting over. But this is stuff for a future post.

Somewhere at Schönhauser Alle, ancient East
Berlin. PRIVATE PICTURE.

This is what Berlin means to me: change, growth and learning. Berlin like infected me with an unique disease. A disease, which symptoms consist essentially of restlessness, cravings for detachment and constant search for transformation.

Departing from Berlin after that year was a hard moment. For the first time in life I got a precise picture of what the expression "broken heart" means. That blunt pain in the chest, the difficulty to breath, the crying sighingly. It was incredible the way each of us felt connected to this city and the burden it was to leave it.

Bibliothek der Humboldt Universität at the surrounding of the Friedrichstraße.
PRIVATE PICTURE. 

I pondered many times on staying for good in Berlin but wasn't sure if that was what I really wanted and if I could manage it all on my own. Anyways, It didn't take long for me to know what I had to do and as soon as I stepped on Brazilian ground things cleared up in my mind. Being back felt like I was losing everything I've gained while abroad and becoming the same person I was one year before. Everything was there in the same place where I left, everyone was doing the same things, the same way. Nothing had changed and I was a completely different person. I just didn't fit in anymore. I left Berlin in that occasion, but it never left me.

 The holocaust memorial. PRIVATE PICTURE.  

Today, eighteen years later I find myself roaming around in Berlins streets recollecting memories. It's really a funny, and it the same time, overwhelming feeling. Maybe I was just supposed to be here to close another circle in my life curing that disease, completing a long transformation process and creating space for new ones to come.

Berlin Mitte at the Spree river. PRIVATE PICTURE.